Dear Richard Madeley: My lover insists on keeping our romance secret – even though our friends know

He refuses to tell his children, and was furious when I mentioned our ‘arrangement’ on the group chat

I’m in my mid-70s and since I was widowed after 30 years of happy marriage, I had never felt the urge for any more romance in my life. But some months ago an old college friend who was an active member of our tour group chat sent me a ‘direct message’ and asked if we could chat privately. 
After some very amiable and entertaining online conversations, he asked if we could ‘go a bit further’. Since then, we have spent weekends together – we live at different ends of the country – and made love a few times. I told my grown-up children about him, though he wished not to tell either his children or our mutual friends.
Eventually, I called a halt. I felt that his secrecy about our relationship meant he was only interested in its physical side. I told him I wasn’t willing to carry on seeing him on a clandestine basis, and that I’d mentioned our ‘arrangement’ to a few friends (who are on the group chat). He was very upset about this. 
So now we are in limbo: we’ve been at the same social gatherings and it was stiffly cordial. He has asked me to let him know if I want to reconsider, but has shown no sign that he would be willing to be open about our relationship. 
I miss his company, but I don’t feel he treated me well. Is there some path to a future for us?
— M, Cheshire
This is most odd. OK, he didn’t want you to tell your friends about him – but why is he so keen on secrecy? I’m sorry, M, but I don’t like it one bit. Is he ashamed of you for some reason? (But not enough not to want to sleep with you!) In which case, you should kick him so far into touch that he vanishes from sight. 
But I doubt that’s at the root of what’s going on here. I’m sorry to say it, but he may be involved with someone else – or even more than one person. He’s obviously deeply into ‘compartmentalising’ his private life. You say he lives some distance away. Do you have any idea what he gets up to when you’re apart?
You want my straight opinion? I think this man may be charming, but he’s controlling, and he might be lying to you. His obsession with secrecy speaks volumes about him. Frankly, M, I think you’ve got yourself a wrong ’un. My advice: move on. You deserve better than a half relationship. 
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